I Wish We Could Choose Our Mom.

 Must be a "talking" day for me, but, if you have been reading long enough, you know I can be a bit of a rambler.  But that is what I like about blogging.  It's my blog and if I want to jump around like I am on crack-cocaine, I can.  😂 

I don't know why, actually I do, I saw a scene earlier in a movie that made me think about it.  Back when I was younger, I mentioned I went and visited my Mother every summer.  There was no choice.  I lived with my aunt in Houston from the age of 10 until I graduated high school.  My aunt had "custody" at the time I was with her, but she didn't realize that because she never got any paperwork at all.  So, my mother ruled over me through her.  I wasn't allowed to cut my hair.  And I HAD to go visit her every summer no matter what.  My Mother used me as pawn to make my aunt do what she wanted.

The only good thing about going to visit my Mother in the summers was I got to see my BFF Vashti.  We met in elementary school, and she also happened to live in the same town homes as we did.  I have fond memories of trekking through the woods, trails, etc. to get to her area.  When I did live with my Mother there, going to Vashti's house was amazing in the fall.  My very own Terabithia.  I thought it pretty amazing how each time my Mother moved, we were always right next or close to Vashti and her mom.  I found out later from Vashti's mom that my Mother purposedly moved to where they were because they were built-in babysitters.  I thank God for that because without Anne and Vashti, I would have been starving all the time, and I got to see what a family was supposed to be like.

One night, we were living in an apartment complex where Vashti and her mom were literally next door.  I do not remember everything.  I remember being confused, scared, and that my Mother was trying to kill herself.  I found out later in life from my aunt that my Mother had called her while she was in the bathtub (I do remember her taking a bath -she loved taking bubble baths with music and wine and candles) and told her she was going to commit suicide and wanted me to find her.  ME!  A child.  And her in a tub full of blood after cutting her wrists.  My aunt ended up calling Anne and she brought me to her apartment.  My aunt then called the police.  And you know what, my Mother was angry at her!  I know she went to a mental hospital for a bit.  I don't recall if I stayed with Vashti and her mom or not.  I do remember when she came back, she acted like it was the best "vacation" she ever had.

A lot of my childhood wasn't pretty.  But I can tell you that back then, I poured all of my imagination into writing stories, playing Barbies - Man Vashti and I could play for hours - No one ever compared to her when it came to Barbies.  We could turn ANYTHING into Barbie land.  I miss her.  Sadly, we lost her to cancer, and I believe someday her aunt and uncle are supposed to be bringing me the Barbie stuff.  I will need to check on that.

XOXO ~ Nicole

Now That's A Woman Who Knows What She Wants.

 I called our Insurance Agent lady because since my car is now paid off, I wanted to remove the full coverage to see if it would save us some money.  Boy, did it!!!  And I kept PIP, and whatever it is called for if an uninsured motorist hits me.  I barely drive these days so no need to spend money we do not have.  Of course, I had to call because Bryan was all I don't know and you handle that....  I am sure you get it.

Anyway, I am chatting with her, and we get to talking while she was looking into prices based on our policy.  Perimenopause & Menopause popped up.  I was telling her how I had the ceiling fan on, a box fan pointed at me, and a bladeless fan right next to my head on the bedside table.  She proceeded to tell me she has all of, kept the house AC on 67, AND had a window unit installed in their bedroom!!!!

She said anytime her husband gets up to change the house thermostat to even a degree higher, she wakes up and knows.  So, then she gets up and changes it back.  I thought this lady is awesome and her husband must get really frustrated with her.  But then she said that it is the only reason I work.  I pay for the electric bill, and I am paying on that unit window.  Well worth it.

I want to be like her when I grow up.

X0X0 ~ Nicole

Tarot Cards 🎴

 What do you know about tarot cards?  I am not sure if I have posted about them yet, but funny enough. my Mother turned me onto them when I was 9 or 10.  Her bed was always super comfy, pretty, with tons of pillows.  It always smelled like her perfume in her room, and she normally burned candles every evening.  It was a dreamy experience, and my Mother was actually bringing me into something she cared about.  She was showing me attention as well!  At that time, I was only spending summers with her, so I did not have my own room.  I slept with her.  I had gotten swimmers ear and was miserable in the bed.  She was out.  She came home with a gentleman, and he scooped me up and deposited me on the couch so they could have sex.  I say all of that to try to emphasise how important this seemed to me.

She had me sit up there with her one the page and I remember her bringing out a small bag, and then cards.  I remember thinking how I had seen something like this is in horror movies, I have been watching those since as long as I can remember, but I wasn't scared.  I was excited.  I honestly do not remember anything else really about it.  But tarot cards have always been an interest to me.  Along with Ouija boards, the craft, crystals, etc.  I did post how I still feel like I got Bryan to have more interest in me by doing a spell from one of our books my BFF Vashti and I adored.  I just got my own cards.  It's a process.  You have to wait, look, search, until a deck speaks to you.  I didn't think I would ever find one, but I have.  I have given myself two readings and I can say the first one left me wanting to cry.  I had my music, fans, vanilla in the air, it was perfect.  What brought me almost to tears was how spot on it was.  How it made me feel!  I am going to give myself the third one today.  I have a whole ritual where I wash my hands, relax, and just get in tuned with my feelings, thoughts, and those cards.

I hope one day soon, I will be able to help others with it.  Bryan will be my first.  He has finally decided it will not steal his soul.

XOXO ~ Nicole

Cheaper Than Therapy

 I have told you guys about my dreams I believe.  I have always dreamed, I remember even now dreams, well nightmares, that I had as a small child, and they seemed to repeat often.  After getting older and taking mental health meds, they are like movies!!  During Celexa, a lot of them were scary.  I wanted them to stop as much as possible and would try to wake right myself up, even though sometimes I would go right back into them.

Now, with Zoloft, the dreams are definitely still movies, but they are so intense!!  Scary, not so much.  There are sometimes they get that way.  One night I had a dream that had snakes.  I hate snakes!!!!!  I woke up a few times, made myself go back to sleep, but then continued to fall back into it.  The final time was when one latched on to my foot and I woke up because my leg/foot it was on seemed to be on fire, I did a fast kick and scared myself awake.

Otherwise, I quite like them.  I get to see old family members, went to Disney so many times in my dreams (been once and that was enough) but seem to get lost in every dream there, see my two old favorite bosses often, etc.  

I started the above yesterday    -This part yesterday 9/26 - and then completely lost my train of thought.  Today I went and spent the day over at Amanda's!  I enjoyed hanging in her pool, ended just being her and as well because the kids' friends were busy.  So, it was just her, I, snacks, I thought there was going to be music, but I forgot she is a HUGE Texans fan, she even has season tickets.  She plans on letting Bryan and I go to one of the games.  Not thrilled about it but down to do it for Bryan.  So, pool, good time and chatting with my friend, y'all she is just adorable!  Blonde hair, freckles, she looks to me just like she did when we met in high school!  And she looks happy - that is the most important thing!!!  I also took my sunscreen and applied that bitch like a pro!  I got serious burnt last time and recently Bryan got a skin cancer scare.  She said I will be old by then, but I told her, I don't want to be Juno You're Case Worker from Beetlejuice when Grayson is on his way!  I am going to be a GIGI!!!  No kid gonna run to their grandparent or older relative when they look like the crypt keeper, smell like pee, you know what I mean.  Luckily for her, I think, her kids are young.  I know we are all going to die sometime, but I would rather it not be that.  Also, sleeping, showering, a lot of damn things, HURT, when you are sunburnt.    Now I did get a little red on my face and some on the shoulders, but I did it three times, so I know I did my best!

Ok so for the dreams.  I keep forgetting to go back to it because I try not to think about them too much.  Nightmares like I said, and at such a young age!!  The first one I remember was my dad driving our station wagon, my Mother in the passenger seat.  We were singing along to the radio, and I feel like I remember pulling into a drive-in movie because we had those then.  My Mother's laugh was contagious.  And when she smiled at you and her attention was on you, you felt like A Princess, or I thought ((I was going to write about being the favorite child, but my brother was maybe 4 or 5) and I have heard that my maternal grandparents preferred me over my brother.  Not surprised, I was born to a young mom, and I lived with them a lot back then.  But it wasn't my brother - it was my dad, it was other men in the neighborhood, her own brother and stepdad.  "I am beautiful, and I am the 🌟 she had to be the life of the party."  I thought she was beautiful and I am sure she still is, but eventually that blackness starts seeping out, you should and will infect the rest of your body.  

In the dream, I stood up in the back behind my Mother's seat and gave her a hug around her neck, not too hard, and she laughed and told me to give her a kiss.  So, I started to turn her head and I did, it fell off in my hands, my tiny child hands, and she started screaming at me for "breaking" her.

The other I am convinced is probably from The Shining because I am riding around on that big wheel in corridors like the movie.  But each time I arrive in the room I think should get me out, there is a damn pencil sharpener on the corner of it.  And no matter how many times I try to stop, I keep going and slam my forehead into the corner and pencil sharpener.  And I am like "Danny's" age.

Ok, So I have done word vomited on you guys and I am SO sorry.  Some days, the words just flow.  Other days, I don't struggle but don't have the feeling like I do now.  My fingers and brain feels like they are ALIVE!!!!!!  LOL

XOXO ~ Nicole

Do You Hear Voices?

 I do.  Now, I know you are going to start thinking perhaps I am like Taylor and need psychosis meds and so on, but I don't.  At least not yet anyway.  Although on my maternal side there is a high possibility of dementia and Alzheimer's.  But what I hear, I would compare it more like to PTSD.  Or so I have been told.

It's always at night.  It used to be mostly hearing the kids from when they were little.  And then of course I would hear what I thought was Bryan either yelling at the kids or yelling at something.  But the thing is, it isn't happening.  It feels like it is though.  It also goes back to my younger years where I was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually - so if I think the bedroom door opens, I immediately start to wake.  It doesn't help that our Cuban neighbors seem to play their music ALL THE TIME.  I can hear it when it is low (because of the base), when they use it as an alarm, and when they have it blaring of course.  They are AMAZING neighbors, but my room is right there by their living room which stinks.

If I don't get enough sleep because of them, then I hear even more.  Ugh.  I have been trying different types of ZEN music to help but blessedly the past two nights, they have been super quiet and no music at all at times.  Could have something to when I went over there Saturday, I had been sad for I think 2 days by then, and they were bumping!  I just texted them; we are family-like, and I may have mentioned to one of our couple friends that I haven't been getting much sleep due to the music.  If they said something. God Bless.

So, if you couldn't figure that out, I didn't get the position.  He chose the lady who interviewed after me.  The HR lady still loves me and since they are an e-commerce company, she has a new position coming soon she wants me to apply.  In the meantime, I continue to apply.

XOXO ~ Nicole

When Did I Get So Old?

 *Singing*  Here I go, again on my own....

That is just a lame way of saying yes, I have been absent again from you guys.  I am still in the process of finding a job that is hourly or salary, and not just commission.  We can't live like this, if you want to even call it that.  And like I mentioned, the family and Claire have been helping.

I had an interview yesterday, well 2, the first one with HR and then the hiring manager.  It was all via Google Meet because the position is a work from home which I really need.  I'm old now.  I can't stand 8 plus hours like I could when I was younger.  This position is only paying 14.00 an hour, but I gotta start somewhere.  It's sad to think how much I was making and where I am now.  I really like the life insurance, but I feel like all of my hard work is just getting eaten up by chargebacks etc.  Doesn't seem worth it.

As I was saying, the interviews went alright.  Of course, both of them are around Claire's age.  I also had to take assessment tests and Lord let me tell you, when I saw the math portion, waaa waaa waaaa.  I am HORIBBLE at math.  That's why God made calculators!  There were percentages, subtraction of huge numbers, and what comes next on these weird shapes.  When she told me I fell below the score slightly, I figured it would be that one, considering most of my shit were guesses.  But nope, it was the email portion.  I failed to remember there was a certain number of letters that needed to be used.  She loves me, so she chatted with guy who would does the final interview and he agreed to interview me.

That was fun.  Not.  He mentioned he was in The Philippines.  Tell me why my dumbass said, Oh wow - How is Thailand?  Yup, I did.  That's another thing about me.  I suck at geography and get lost super easily.  Everything went great until we did the mock customer phone call.  Started off well, and then I started getting nervous and choked.  I talked to the HR girl after, and she pretty much told me that was the only issue and how he has one more interview the next morning.  She let me know she was going on vacation but stay by the phone because she wanted to hopefully get me rescheduled to try that part again.

I didn't sleep well because I kept waking up to look at my phone to see what time it was because I can easily sleep until 10-11 am.  Plus, Bryan and I went to Uncle Albert's for a few hours.  I needed out of the house.  Listened to music, watched people, I had 2 beers and a nasty shot.  Bryan drank his Coca-Cola.  He is so stinking cute!  I was in bed sound asleep by 11 pm which is not abnormal for us.  Makes me think of my great-grandparents because every night they watched the 10pm news and then went to bed.  I got up around 9 am, took some Tylenol because I'm old, ate, and just been dragging.  Definitely not my normal energetic self.  Oh, and there were some tears last night also prompting to want to get out of the house for a bit because I am trying so hard for this 14.00 an hour position.  It's hard to wrap my mind around it but God knows what is best.

I am still waiting.  I never heard from anyone this morning.  Now she did tell me she was going on vacation but begged and pleaded I be available.  So, I sit here thinking, is no news good news?

XOXO ~ Nicole

Happy 17 Years My Love!

 First, I wanted to start off apologizing for being kind of missing.  Been having what I call sad days.  Especially today.  I have no idea why, it is our 17th wedding anniversary, and I was so excited yesterday only to feel like impending doom was on its way when I woke up.  I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I still do not have a job, no income coming in but family and friends that help, Bryan has his social security, and we are still working hard on Taylor's.  I knew Bryan wanted to go and eat, and don't get me wrong, I love to eat especially out to eat because it is something we do not get to do very often being broke jokes.  But my stomach has still been a little cranky since I got so sick from Bingo.  I went though, and yes, the food was delicious and who doesn't like people watching?  We go to this buffet which I know sounds ridiculous for an anniversary lunch, but it is close to the house, and the variety and choices like sushi, veggies, honestly everything is so fresh and yum.  Came home, feeling a little stuffed, I tried hard not to shovel food into my face because after my sickness, I lost weight! LOL.  Imagine that!  Got home and decided to take a nap.  Yes, I know, awful for you but I hoped to "feel" better after mentally.

I didn't.  Actually, I started feeling a bit anxious in between catnapping.  Still not sure why.  Luckily, I was able to book an appointment for my refills and chatted with my doctor about it.  It was kind of ironic because she got up and closed the door and then talked to me about how she also was having a sad day.  She said she was normally happy, bubbly, (like me), but at lunch she was sad.  That made me cry again but smile as well.  Then I found out from hu hubby's step brother-in-law that he was gifting us the X-Box giveaway that I missed out on!!  Bryan and Taylor are going to be so excited! So, through all the tears and fake smiles, it has been a good day.  Happy Anniversary Husband-Of Mine!  Forever and Ever!!!!!!!

XOXO ~ Nicole