What Color Do You See?

Have you ever seen the movie The Color Purple?  I watched it as a young child actually.  I know, strange, I was around 6 or 7.  But I loved it and my grandma on my dad's side would pop in the VHS for me.  They had the big furniture tv, you know what I am talking about, and I would sit on the carpet as close as I could to watch the movie.  As I got older, I loved the books we had to read in school like A Raisin in the Sun, To Kill a Mockingbird, you get it.  My family, they are actually quite racist so maybe I bonded with that, being abused myself, no food, feeling like a slave.  And it is quite ironic to me when I as my aunt says, "was drunk and lost your mind over us using the N word" when I brought up the fact that what happened if Claire or Taylor decided to date a black person.  And now here we are, Claire is engaged and having a baby with a black man!  LOL 😂 I personally find it quite humorous.

Most of our family has passed away on my dad's side, well, just his parents because he is a family of 6. and then on my side, very few of us left.  By my side I mean maternal.  My younger years spent many weekends over at Grandma's and Pops with my dad's family and kids. It was a blast!  All of the adults drank, us kids ran "wild", there were different rooms with card games, board games, domino games...  Plenty of snacks, sodas, and like a quarter to bring someone a beer.

We played inside, outside - I mean just think 6 children that are now adults and their children.  We had a playroom, filled with toys that Grandma has collected over the years from each kid etc.  Sometimes we would sleep over as well.  Not one of us kids would ever complain about going over there.  There was a tree in the backyard I tried to climb.  I was big about climbing trees - tomboy of course but I also loved using my imagination up there.  There was a tree that was "naked", like no bark.  I got all the way almost to the top and I slipped.  I held on as I slid down, had shorts on, and lost all the skin on the inside of my legs.  Now when I see those trees, I look at them with daggers.    One of the "game rooms" my grandma also had a station bicycle and then a large area where she cut her fabric.  Us kids would take turns riding that bike, one foot on each pedal, like a ride at Chuck E Cheese to us.  Now that I think about it, I think us three were there more than the others, but I am sure Grandma babysat us as well.  And if you have been following, my Mother wasn't aways in the picture.  Her choice.  We always wait and hope and wish to get older, and now, we look back and how I wish we could go back to those younger simpler days.  Hell, what happened to the damn ice cream man?  Even my kids had those.

XOXO ~ Nicole

Let Me Be Who I Am Meant To Be

How are we doing today?  I am feeling pretty awesome today!  Still no job, but I did manage to win almost 500.00 on an app on my phone playing slots.  Yes, I know - lots of scam artists out there but Bryan and I both did lots of research prior.  He still didn't believe me and had won over 600.00 bucks but gave it all back.  If you have ever played slots in real life, that can happen easily.  When I first started, I was up a lot and gave it back as well.  But then out of the blue, I started hitting big and decided to try and cash out.  After getting my identity confirmed, etc. - honestly, it was a lot of steps but made me feel safer as well, the money was in my bank account!  We went to Kroger to get some stuff, got me a little vodka, paid bills, it was a good day.  Of course, now I am trying hard to win again but the cool thing is, you really do not have to pay to play.  Just collect - but I can't lie and say I haven't thrown some cash here and there over the month I have been playing.  But I can say that win, I hadn't spent a dime to get, had just been collecting so I am still feeling pumped!

Of course, when I told my aunt, her first statement was oh you have to pay taxes on that.  I said woman, we will cross that bridge when we get there.  She also mentioned trying DoorDash again which I told her yes, I have thought about it, but gas is so expensive now.  She said Well it worked before paying your bills and you have to do what you have to do, which frustrated me.  But then I reminded her I had unemployment then, that paid the majority of the bills, along with Bryan's SS.  I have been applying and applying.  I am not sure what else to do.  I am going to call the unemployment office again Monday to see if they have anything that might help.

I have been playing around with the idea of OnlyFans or Fans Only; I always confuse the name.  My biggest concern is that working against me to get a job/career in the professional field.  I have it mostly set up - Just need to add my info to get paid and get started.

Bryan is worried about me being too naive, and someone finding out where we live, and I completely get that.  We need money though.  And I am too old and chunky for the pole!!!   LOL

***Update- Still waiting to hear back from OnlyFans but last night I also stumbled along a sports bar/strip club hiring.  So, I sent over my information, and they asked me to come in for an interview.   I put on a dress, did my hair, put on my boots and away we went!  It is not in the best area, but I was determined to do it on my own because of course Bryan was already nay saying it.  It is literally on a corner right by the freeway - again odd place, I think.  I went in, and of course there was a young girl working the front desk looking like she hadn't eaten in a month.  She wasn't very nice either and I don't believe I ever saw her teeth once.  I explained to her and then another manager that came out.  He didn't seem impressed either.   He asked what I was interviewing for and I told him I needed a job and would be willing to do just about anything.  He ushered me to a table with an application to fill out.  Filled it out based on the same information I had sent via email, showed him where my cell # was, thanked him for his time, and left.  I felt rejected but still proud of myself for going.  Then, this morning I check my email and it is from them telling me how they are looking forward to seeing me Saturday night.  I responded and let them know what happened.  So, we shall see!!

***One more update:  I reached out to one of the companies I had done an assessment for and hadn't heard back.  She said you have to get a 70, and I got a 67 but said she would resend it and I could do it again.  That morning was the morning Billy Jean passed away so I hope today is better.  Come on 70!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO ~ Nicole  💗💖💋😎

Angels Among Us.

 Ok, have to share this. Last night, Billy Jean came and visited me multiple times. I had just gotten in bed, got under the covers, and then I felt and heard a cat jump up at my feet. Grabbed my phone to use the light, assuming it was Olivia cause even for a big girl, she nimble- but there was nothing there. Later, I woke up and heard her twice under my bed. She had just taken to sleeping under there when she got sick. The last night, she went into the living room like normal, so we thought even then, YAY she is getting better!!

Thank You, Princess, for coming to visit with me, even if it is the last time. <3

RIP Princess Billy Jean Moore

 It is with a heavy heart that I have to say this. We lost Princess Billy Jean around 6 am this morning. She was the runt of the litter, and what a little fighter she has been since day one. Billy Jean, you have gained your little wings, and I know we have family members there in Heaven to give you lots of love, treats, and toys. We love you always!!!!

PS. Bryan woke me up at 6 am, still dark outside and in my room. The rest of the house was flooded with light. He heard a noise, he looked behind the couch, and there was Billy Jean passed away. I hate that he woke me up and showed me her like that. She could have been sleeping but I knew she wasn't. I also know Bryan was just as upset and needed my strength. And I was strong for as long as I could be. I miss you already so much Billy Jean. <3

I Wish We Could Choose Our Mom.

 Must be a "talking" day for me, but, if you have been reading long enough, you know I can be a bit of a rambler.  But that is what I like about blogging.  It's my blog and if I want to jump around like I am on crack-cocaine, I can.  😂 

I don't know why, actually I do, I saw a scene earlier in a movie that made me think about it.  Back when I was younger, I mentioned I went and visited my Mother every summer.  There was no choice.  I lived with my aunt in Houston from the age of 10 until I graduated high school.  My aunt had "custody" at the time I was with her, but she didn't realize that because she never got any paperwork at all.  So, my mother ruled over me through her.  I wasn't allowed to cut my hair.  And I HAD to go visit her every summer no matter what.  My Mother used me as pawn to make my aunt do what she wanted.

The only good thing about going to visit my Mother in the summers was I got to see my BFF Vashti.  We met in elementary school, and she also happened to live in the same town homes as we did.  I have fond memories of trekking through the woods, trails, etc. to get to her area.  When I did live with my Mother there, going to Vashti's house was amazing in the fall.  My very own Terabithia.  I thought it pretty amazing how each time my Mother moved, we were always right next or close to Vashti and her mom.  I found out later from Vashti's mom that my Mother purposedly moved to where they were because they were built-in babysitters.  I thank God for that because without Anne and Vashti, I would have been starving all the time, and I got to see what a family was supposed to be like.

One night, we were living in an apartment complex where Vashti and her mom were literally next door.  I do not remember everything.  I remember being confused, scared, and that my Mother was trying to kill herself.  I found out later in life from my aunt that my Mother had called her while she was in the bathtub (I do remember her taking a bath -she loved taking bubble baths with music and wine and candles) and told her she was going to commit suicide and wanted me to find her.  ME!  A child.  And her in a tub full of blood after cutting her wrists.  My aunt ended up calling Anne and she brought me to her apartment.  My aunt then called the police.  And you know what, my Mother was angry at her!  I know she went to a mental hospital for a bit.  I don't recall if I stayed with Vashti and her mom or not.  I do remember when she came back, she acted like it was the best "vacation" she ever had.

A lot of my childhood wasn't pretty.  But I can tell you that back then, I poured all of my imagination into writing stories, playing Barbies - Man Vashti and I could play for hours - No one ever compared to her when it came to Barbies.  We could turn ANYTHING into Barbie land.  I miss her.  Sadly, we lost her to cancer, and I believe someday her aunt and uncle are supposed to be bringing me the Barbie stuff.  I will need to check on that.

XOXO ~ Nicole

Now That's A Woman Who Knows What She Wants.

 I called our Insurance Agent lady because since my car is now paid off, I wanted to remove the full coverage to see if it would save us some money.  Boy, did it!!!  And I kept PIP, and whatever it is called for if an uninsured motorist hits me.  I barely drive these days so no need to spend money we do not have.  Of course, I had to call because Bryan was all I don't know and you handle that....  I am sure you get it.

Anyway, I am chatting with her, and we get to talking while she was looking into prices based on our policy.  Perimenopause & Menopause popped up.  I was telling her how I had the ceiling fan on, a box fan pointed at me, and a bladeless fan right next to my head on the bedside table.  She proceeded to tell me she has all of, kept the house AC on 67, AND had a window unit installed in their bedroom!!!!

She said anytime her husband gets up to change the house thermostat to even a degree higher, she wakes up and knows.  So, then she gets up and changes it back.  I thought this lady is awesome and her husband must get really frustrated with her.  But then she said that it is the only reason I work.  I pay for the electric bill, and I am paying on that unit window.  Well worth it.

I want to be like her when I grow up.

X0X0 ~ Nicole

Tarot Cards 🎴

 What do you know about tarot cards?  I am not sure if I have posted about them yet, but funny enough. my Mother turned me onto them when I was 9 or 10.  Her bed was always super comfy, pretty, with tons of pillows.  It always smelled like her perfume in her room, and she normally burned candles every evening.  It was a dreamy experience, and my Mother was actually bringing me into something she cared about.  She was showing me attention as well!  At that time, I was only spending summers with her, so I did not have my own room.  I slept with her.  I had gotten swimmers ear and was miserable in the bed.  She was out.  She came home with a gentleman, and he scooped me up and deposited me on the couch so they could have sex.  I say all of that to try to emphasise how important this seemed to me.

She had me sit up there with her one the page and I remember her bringing out a small bag, and then cards.  I remember thinking how I had seen something like this is in horror movies, I have been watching those since as long as I can remember, but I wasn't scared.  I was excited.  I honestly do not remember anything else really about it.  But tarot cards have always been an interest to me.  Along with Ouija boards, the craft, crystals, etc.  I did post how I still feel like I got Bryan to have more interest in me by doing a spell from one of our books my BFF Vashti and I adored.  I just got my own cards.  It's a process.  You have to wait, look, search, until a deck speaks to you.  I didn't think I would ever find one, but I have.  I have given myself two readings and I can say the first one left me wanting to cry.  I had my music, fans, vanilla in the air, it was perfect.  What brought me almost to tears was how spot on it was.  How it made me feel!  I am going to give myself the third one today.  I have a whole ritual where I wash my hands, relax, and just get in tuned with my feelings, thoughts, and those cards.

I hope one day soon, I will be able to help others with it.  Bryan will be my first.  He has finally decided it will not steal his soul.

XOXO ~ Nicole