Rules of Houston , H-Town, 3-rd Coast, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you wanna call it.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, it is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not"San Phil-eep" (San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena !" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably afactory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have totalright-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph...
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana .
22. If you live in south side of Houston and I live in Katy we'll never hang out.
23. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
24. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
25. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
26. Else-where, they are called frontage roads... Here in Houston , they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road."If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but toall of us who call this home..nothing but the truth.... and you know it!!!
*Not sure what happened to the numbering there, but I love this!*
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Saying The Right Thing....
A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
Love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, Son . . . what happened last night?
Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
The husband asks, so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, Oh, THAT! . . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!
Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose bud--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . .PRICELESS!
And, next to them, a single red rose!
The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
Love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, Son . . . what happened last night?
Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
The husband asks, so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, Oh, THAT! . . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!
Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose bud--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . .PRICELESS!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Nintendo Wii
I know if you have a television you guys have seen the commercials for this new video game. The most played commercial at our house is the one where the Oriental guys show up at some one's front door and says "Wii would like to play."
After seeing it again last night (for like the 20th time) Taylor comes over to me.
Taylor: Momma, can you call those guys and tell them they still haven't shown up at our door yet?
I giggled to myself and told him I would see what I could do.
Becoming A Milf Part 1
Good Morning all!! I was talking to Lotta over at http://mom-o-matic.blogspot.com/index.html about making the decision (finally) to get my fat ass on a diet and exercise program. Yep, that's right - I have finally decided to jump on the band wagon (Hopefully it can hold me....)!
This morning I got up at 6 am and walked for an entire mile. This is a big deal in my little world because I have never had to exercise before and I hate to sweat. It was actually a pretty funny scene because there I was doing the speed walking with my dog and one of my cats following my every move. I looked like Noah with my little trail of animals, 'cept I was the ark.
I will not be posting my actual weight because it is way too scary for even me but I will be posting the lbs that I lose (hopefully).
So wish me luck and God speed! ;)
This morning I got up at 6 am and walked for an entire mile. This is a big deal in my little world because I have never had to exercise before and I hate to sweat. It was actually a pretty funny scene because there I was doing the speed walking with my dog and one of my cats following my every move. I looked like Noah with my little trail of animals, 'cept I was the ark.
I will not be posting my actual weight because it is way too scary for even me but I will be posting the lbs that I lose (hopefully).
So wish me luck and God speed! ;)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Five Moms
Every parent has rules and guidelines that they try to follow when they have children. I can remember when Claire was born I had already put my foot down with candy, sodas, and pretty much anything I could think of that would harm her health/teeth. As the kids have gotten older, mom has gotten a little slack on some of these things. I do allow them sodas once in awhile (preferable no caffeine) and they both go crazy over holidays where candy is a given (Christmas, Easter).
As the kids have gotten older, more and more things pop up that may be a "danger" to them. Both of my kids are very different when it comes to their "brave bone". Claire is a scaredy cat, always has been and maybe always will be. At 13 months old we used to have to pick her up and carry her over the welcome mat because she refused to step on the damn thing. But then you have Taylor who dives in head first into the pool (scaring the shit out of mom), although he does not know how to swim.
Claire and Taylor are only 6 &5 right now and I frequently lie in my bed as I fall asleep and wonder about the future. I see how snotty Claire can be right now and wonder if she will be one of those bratty little girls that no one can stand when she is 15 or 16. I think about Taylor and how he is still a little behind in his development and wonder if he will be that boy that gets picked on because he is "different". The world is just full of unknowns, and really all I can do right now is wait - and be that mom that knows what is going on in their children's lives. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a "helicopter" mom (that term still cracks me up), but I do want my kids to feel like they can come to me with anything. One of my favorite childhood memories is my aunt telling me "Just tell me the truth, no matter if you are wrong or right I will back you up, just tell me the truth".
I have heard on the news and of course through emails about all of the "new" drugs, games, etc that are out there to entice your children. Scary isn't it? One thing that I had not heard of until recently was kids using cough medicine to get high. Who in the hell thinks of this crap?? I remember as a child having to be held down to even take my cough medicine, and now kids are using it for pleasure!?!?!
www.FiveMoms.com - These 5 moms have made it their goal to educate parents about the misuse of this product. Honestly, I say two thumbs up for them because I had no idea this was even a problem. So go on over and check it out! At least now we all know who to point a finger at when the damn Robitussin goes missing.....
As the kids have gotten older, more and more things pop up that may be a "danger" to them. Both of my kids are very different when it comes to their "brave bone". Claire is a scaredy cat, always has been and maybe always will be. At 13 months old we used to have to pick her up and carry her over the welcome mat because she refused to step on the damn thing. But then you have Taylor who dives in head first into the pool (scaring the shit out of mom), although he does not know how to swim.
Claire and Taylor are only 6 &5 right now and I frequently lie in my bed as I fall asleep and wonder about the future. I see how snotty Claire can be right now and wonder if she will be one of those bratty little girls that no one can stand when she is 15 or 16. I think about Taylor and how he is still a little behind in his development and wonder if he will be that boy that gets picked on because he is "different". The world is just full of unknowns, and really all I can do right now is wait - and be that mom that knows what is going on in their children's lives. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a "helicopter" mom (that term still cracks me up), but I do want my kids to feel like they can come to me with anything. One of my favorite childhood memories is my aunt telling me "Just tell me the truth, no matter if you are wrong or right I will back you up, just tell me the truth".
I have heard on the news and of course through emails about all of the "new" drugs, games, etc that are out there to entice your children. Scary isn't it? One thing that I had not heard of until recently was kids using cough medicine to get high. Who in the hell thinks of this crap?? I remember as a child having to be held down to even take my cough medicine, and now kids are using it for pleasure!?!?!
www.FiveMoms.com - These 5 moms have made it their goal to educate parents about the misuse of this product. Honestly, I say two thumbs up for them because I had no idea this was even a problem. So go on over and check it out! At least now we all know who to point a finger at when the damn Robitussin goes missing.....
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Sippy Cup Battle
TSA has banned most fluids at airport security checkpoints for nearly a year because of concern about possible liquid explosives.
"I was distraught. I opened my son's sippy cup. I twisted off the top. I wanted to drink the water. It spilled out," Emmerson said Saturday.
Emmerson said an officer threatened to arrest her after the water spilled, telling her she was "endangering the public." She said there was no place to dump the water near the security area, and that she was worried when her son started wandering away from her.
The story quickly spread on the Internet this week after blogger Bill Adler, a Washington author, saw a note Emmerson wrote on a Web site for city parents. Adler interviewed Emmerson and relayed her account.
He wrote that a TSA screener seized her 19-month-old's cup after asking if there was water in it, causing Emmerson's son to cry. Emmerson was told she would have to leave the security checkpoint and dump out the water if she wanted to keep the cup.
Emmerson said she accidentally spilled the water because she was nervous and traveling alone with a toddler.
TSA, however, said Emmerson dumped, not spilled, the water on the floor.
A TSA report said Emmerson told an officer that she was a Secret Service agent, flashed her credentials and said she was exempt from the "stupid" policy restricting liquids on planes.
But Emmerson denied that she flashed her badge, saying the video footage shows her digging in her luggage for identification.
"That's a gross lie," she said.
*After reading the article I was all on the mom's side, but after watching the video - in my opinion this lady looks pissed off and throws it on the floor deliberately. What do you think??
http://www.tsa.gov/approach/mythbusters/index.shtm
"I was distraught. I opened my son's sippy cup. I twisted off the top. I wanted to drink the water. It spilled out," Emmerson said Saturday.
Emmerson said an officer threatened to arrest her after the water spilled, telling her she was "endangering the public." She said there was no place to dump the water near the security area, and that she was worried when her son started wandering away from her.
The story quickly spread on the Internet this week after blogger Bill Adler, a Washington author, saw a note Emmerson wrote on a Web site for city parents. Adler interviewed Emmerson and relayed her account.
He wrote that a TSA screener seized her 19-month-old's cup after asking if there was water in it, causing Emmerson's son to cry. Emmerson was told she would have to leave the security checkpoint and dump out the water if she wanted to keep the cup.
Emmerson said she accidentally spilled the water because she was nervous and traveling alone with a toddler.
TSA, however, said Emmerson dumped, not spilled, the water on the floor.
A TSA report said Emmerson told an officer that she was a Secret Service agent, flashed her credentials and said she was exempt from the "stupid" policy restricting liquids on planes.
But Emmerson denied that she flashed her badge, saying the video footage shows her digging in her luggage for identification.
"That's a gross lie," she said.
*After reading the article I was all on the mom's side, but after watching the video - in my opinion this lady looks pissed off and throws it on the floor deliberately. What do you think??
http://www.tsa.gov/approach/mythbusters/index.shtm
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