Holding It Together-ish

 I feel like I have so much going on right now.  I don't, but it seems like it.  I guess it is more emotional than anything.  I have one position left still being reviewed that I applied to for a worm from home job that pays salary AND commission.  I know, a Unicorn for sure!!!  Claire has been helping us along with other friends and family members, but we are at the point now where Claire needs to use her funds elsewhere and family/friends are spent.  I am hanging on to that positive response from that company.  Not sure what will happen after that yet, but as they say, one day at a time.

It does mess with my head a bit.  Zoloft thus far has continued to be a hero, but I have found myself sleeping more than normal in the last few days.  But I would much prefer that over that damn insomnia!  And continue to take my "old lady" pills before bed, magnesium, black cohosh (ladies if you are going through this peri-menopause thang or menopause, you want to know about these.), potassium, and Zinc if I am feeling an illness coming on possibly.  I take a few others in the morning but those are my blood pressure and Zoloft.  Oh, and sometimes Vitamin D!  It is hard to get milk around this bitch with Taylor.  But I do try to get out in the sun as much as possible however the Sun these days?  I think The Devil himself set that up.  But I try to knock out all the badness and negative comments that tell me I suck, you are a loser, you would be better off not here - I am able to get past those and snuggle back down and sleep.  In my safe, pink, comfy, squishy, vanilla scented bed.

And then my brother.  I don't think I have spoken much about him in a long time, but he has struggled for a while with drugs and alcohol and then his young daughter was taken from him.  He is in a much better place now, mind and location, and I am super proud of him.  We have been in contact since he decided to get clean.  Our Mother on the other hand is hell bent to try and get to him and especially take his daughter.  She is safe and sound in another state with her maternal grandmother and thriving.  If you have read my blog for some time, my Mother is not a good person.  It would be like picking this beautiful fruit and then you bite into it, and it is rotten to the core.  With bugs and mold too.  Since she doesn't know where he is and no one will share the information, she has decided to file a missing person's report for him.  And she decided to name myself and Dad as people of interest.  How do I do know this?  My Dad told me and showed the emails.  My brother is working on filing a restraining against her which I fully support.  He will not get better with her in his ear.

I am trying my best to be there for my brother.  I am proud of his accomplishments, and I do believe he will succeed.  I just don't want to have to speak, email, any communication from Mother.  When she passes away, it is going to be a sad day for her because not one of her 3 children will be there or care.

Please keep me in your prayers for this new job and Momma making some money!!!  💵 💵

XOXO ~ Nicole

Amanda

 Amanda today is your birthday.  I'm not sure if we have ever even celebrated each other's birthdays in person.  I don't recall them, so I am guessing no.

I remember when we became best friends, and we spent as much time as possible together.  That summer, I had to go and visit my mom in Georgia.  It was going to be the first time we had been away from each other which to us seemed like the end of the world.  

Your Mom took us to Galveston.  I believe she had a Jeep Cherokee at that time.  She loved this song called "Ain't Even Done With The Night" by John (I think he lost the Cougar or Mellencamp, I forget which one) eventually.  She played it often, so it was a good thing we liked it so much!!  It was the end of the trip, you guys were bringing me back home and we heard Clint Black (you had such a crush on him with your red cowboy boots - I personally thought he looked like a Shar-Pei.) and Wynonna Judd's song "A Bad Goodbye" and it became "our song".  

I gave you my Fievel, from An American Tail, he was my most beloved possession at that time.  When we reconnected, I remember you bringing him up when I came to swim with you.  I glowed inside and probably out (could have been that damn sun), that you remembered him.

Most people can't say they are in touch or see their HS bestie often, but I get to!

***PS.  I still hold it against her for finding new friends while away tho.  ;)***

Love, Nicole

Baby Grayson Update!

Bbay Grayson was not very cooperative today but look at that foot and leg!!!!!  Can't wait to meet my grand-baby!!!

 

Attack of The Killer Onions!!!

 I like to call myself a pro at stacking shit in the fridge.  Actually, I consider it like Tetris although that game stresses me out but at least there is no timer for the refrigerator.  Really though, Bryan can confirm and asks me to help the dishwasher and the fridge.  He has gotten a lot, I mean TONS better about the dishwasher, but he still asks me for my SKILLZ for the fridge.

Then last night happened.  We had a Loc-n-Lock (If you do not have these, you are missing out!)  in the fridge with 1 onion cut in half, and then half a bell pepper.  I reached in, grabbed something, and when I went to pull it out and turned my back to close the door, I must have clipped it.

It comes tumbling out, I try to catch it with my free hand, which is my left because I'm a righty.  It hits in the fleshy area right below the thumb.  Then bounces to my knee, I try to bounce it up like a damn soccer ball (I was bound and determined not to drop that bitch because then I would have to hear it from Bryan) and then drops on my baby pinkie toe!  Knee picture below.  

I told Bryan the next day, Nicole 0 - Onions - 1

Never A Dull Moment

 As I have mentioned, Taylor is a very picky eater.  As an adult, he will eat whatever we put in front of him begrudgingly, but if it was his choice he would live off of cereal, ramen, chicken tenders or nuggets, fries, you get the picture.

Yesterday I offered him soup and salad or soup and sandwich.  Soup to Taylor is chicken noodle soup poured out of the can.  He requested sandwich (grilled cheese) and soup.  I got the can of soup out like normal, but before I opened it, he came back and said he would like tomato soup.  Bryan and I both looked at each other because this kid has never even had tomato soup before.  I knew right then and there he went back to his room and googled best soups to eat with a grilled cheese.  So, I warmed it up for him, Bryan added some croutons per Taylor's request, and he proceeded to dup his grilled cheese and then eat the soup.  But if you could have seen his face!  LMAO You could tell he was not impressed.  A little while ago, I get a text from him from his room.  It said, I didn't really enjoy the tomato soup just to let you know.  I love that guy.

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Also, our TNR'd babies/colony I have told you guys about?  Some of them we allow to come inside to cool off, etc. - one of those is Cleopatra.  Bryan gets up way earlier than I do and takes care of the morning feedings and such.  This morning he told me Cleopatra is a vampire.  I said why?  He said that she is so polite.  She waits for me to invite her in, like a vampire!!  😂 

I Guess I Have Always Been a Storyteller

 I think I mentioned the other day that I started writing at a pretty young age, if my memory is correct, I started writing around the age 8-10 years old.  I don't remember the exact age but, I do know it was around that time.  I started writing short stories.  I lived with my Mother at that time in George in a townhouse, just the two of us.  Rough times, but I survived.  Anyway, my Mother's room was upstairs, and mine was directly underneath.  I remember when she would wake me in the mornings for school, I would stay in bed and wait to hear her shower to turn off because I could hear it in the wall.  I had my own bathroom which was awesome!  Also, I had a window in my shower!!!  I had never seen that before; I loved opening it and the steam would billow out.  It was actually quite lower than ones I saw later in my life, but it opened to the woods in the back (one of the things I loved about living in GA) so I could easily look out while showering.  However, one time, some kids were walking behind the townhouses my age and I freaked.  When I lived in FL, there was one in the shower as well, but it was much higher.  I still loved it tho and wish we had one.  And if you think about it, it could help with the moisture up in there from showering.  At my grandma's and great-grandmothers, they had windows as well but in the wall above the toilet.  That made no sense to me as a kid and whenever I had to use the potty, I was convinced everyone could hear me peeing outside.  Now, makes sense, way better than an air freshener when you done stank up the rest room!!  And my God, could we use that!  Taylor is notorious for his farts and #2's.  His farts since he was a kid smell like a dying old man.  Stale, nasty.  There are no words for the other.  All I can say is if I go in too soon after him, I start doing the throw up noises.

So back to the townhouse, I love to read and still do.  But I was an avid reader when I was young.  I was alone a lot, but Mother did get me great books to read.  I remember when she got me the Chronicles of Narnia set.  The smell alone brings me joy.  New books, just waiting for you to open them and discover the worlds inside.  I was so proud of owning it.  She also bought me A Bridge to Terabithia.  Again, my imagine took over and remember those woods I told you about?  I loved going in there, with my dog my Mother eventually got me, she was a shit-zu and "we", my Mother would never allow ME to name an animal, Ebony Jewels.  She was the perfect size for me, fit in my backpack, and the fun we would have in the woods with my imagination.  Our very own Terabithia or Narnia depending on my desire that day.  Like I said, I was alone a lot at a young age, my imagination was pretty much all I had.  Later mt siblings would tell me whenever we were altogether at a relative's home for the summer, etc. - it was no fun without me. 

Eventually I guess my Mother started having issues covering the bills so she got a roommate.  This was before I got Ebony.  Her name, I can't remember but her cocker spaniel was named Jamie.  My mother had great delight telling my Aunt that, and she would get aggravated when I would tell her about them because I get it - A dog did have her name.  I wish I could remember the young lady's name, but I adored her!!  She actually spent time with me, took me places in her cute little Volkswagen Bug, told me she loved me and how cute I was.  My Mother didn't do that.  She took over my room, and all of my shit was moved into the hallway closet.  That was my "room", and I slept with my Mother.  I would hang out in my "closet room" and write little stories.  I loved writing them.  My only issue was the ending.  Still is.  And when I would go out in the woods, I would make up stories out loud, me and Ebony.  I wouldn't change that for the world!  My Mother ended up kicking out her roommate because she got jealous of our relationship.  Great Mother eh?

I have continued to write here and there.  When I was staying with my grandfather one summer, while learning how to sign language (Thank you Sesame Street!!), I pretended I owned a daycare and wrote name after name that I liked or came up with for the "registry".  I also created amazing worlds in the front and backyards, and names and stories for all of my new "friends."  We had a tennis ball named Wilson, yes, I made Wilson cool before Tom Hanks lol, a dented-in ping pong ball (can't remember his name at the moment", a golf ball named Titelus, there was a Dun-Lop too but I forget which ball he was.  But you get the drift, I was a sucker for misfits.  I also had a button family that lived in a special drawer and would "cook up" a mean meal in the backyard out of those strange bean-like things on the trees along with whatever else I found out there.

Will I ever write a book?  I don't think so - But I do love blogging which is kind of the same however who knows where God will take us.

XOXO ~ Nicole 

Sad September

It is finally September, which is now a hard month for me. This month is one year since I was wrongfully terminated from my career at that time. If you have followed me for a while, you have seen my struggle and journey through depression, anxiety, highs and lows, I could go on and on.

I do have my life insurance license, finally (wasn't that a fiasco to get! lol), but it isn't something I want to do full time. More like a part-time thing. I did wake up with a heavy heart this morning thinking about where I was supposed to have been by now. I know God has a plan.

I know I haven't really talked a lot about what has happened here with losing my job, etc - but you can follow a bit along on latest posts.

XOXOXO ~ Nicole