Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Some Men Part 2

I am sure you all are wondering what else could possibly have happened after I returned to College Station, pretty much the bottom dropped out of my world. It seemed like I was supposed to go back to "normal" and act like nothing ever happened. My whole life felt like a lie. I was still living with my roommates, I will use that term loosely as they were both guys and one just happened to be the on again and off again relationship from high school that I had spoke of. And they knew nothing of my situation. I quit my job because who the hell wanted to work there now, and besides he had also quit they said. The cat was out of the bag for us and I had become the HEB scandal. Supposedly he went back to his wife and boohooed and told her all about his little "fling" with me and he was so sorry and lets work it all out shit, which she then told her BFF which was his brother's wife who also worked for HEB and lord what a mess right?

So I am sure you are now asking yourselves, but what about the pregnancy and all right?? Well after all the shit hit the fan with his marriage and friends and all, I became that psycho bitch ex girlfriend that you hear about. Basically, I stalked his ass because I wanted answers. I wanted to know why, how could he just stop loving me and go back to her and what about our baby and our plans?? I sent email after email, phone call after phone call, and drove by his apartment many many times - I am surprised no one called the cops on my ass thinking I was some sort of lunatic. I had heard through the grapevine that he had returned to San Antonio to figure out what he and the wifey were going to do. I know that he told her about me but to this day I honestly don't know if he ever told her about my pregnancy.

What seemed like an eternity to me, he finally came back to the apartment - alone. I do not remember where she was or how we got in touch with each other, but we sat down in his apartment and he told me how sorry he was and it was him not me and a bunch of other shit. He couldn't marry me because he had a wife and they were meant to be together or something like that and well, unless I was going to raise this baby by myself (because I will not have anything to do with you or it-these were his exact words) then I needed to have an abortion and he'd even pay for it.

Again the details get fuzzy, I don't remember who set up the appointment or what all happened leading up to that day - but I do remember him taking me to downtown Houston and us staying over night in a motel pretty much in walking distance of the clinic. I also remember us having sex that night and me pretty much willing to do anything just to make him want to be with me and this baby. I remember feeling so empty, so used. I remember sitting in the waiting area with other people and noticing some mothers in there with their little ones (this place had some sort of free clinic or something where I guess you could get your kids' immunizations) and how jealous and angry I felt because they got to keep theirs. Some things that I will never forget that day was watching him plop down his credit card to pay for it like he was doing me a favor. How easy it was for him to rid this "problem" with a damn American Express. Or talking to the counselor and having to rate on a scale for keeping and not keeping the baby. Walking in their I was a determined 10 that I was keeping this child but after listening to the counselor (someone I later sent a thank you card to because I will never forget her) and realizing that I was keeping this baby for all of the wrong reasons. I had it in my head that choosing to have this baby would make him want to be with me. Who cared if I was only 19, had no job, and couldn't even take care of myself! In the end I made the best decision for me at the time, even though my heart was broken and to this day will never be the same.

That night I stayed with him because I was so drugged out of my mind and in so much pain, and the next morning was New Years. Happy 1998 Nicole!

He stayed with is wife for a few years and would track me down via yahoo once in awhile. I remember not even a year after that all happened, he emailed me saying how they were going to be having their first child, I do not have to tell you how that made me feel. Since then, they had 2 kids - and then divorced. He once told me what a wonderful person I was for even speaking to him again and forgiving him for everything he did. Chris - I may forgive, but I will never forget.


Hol said...

Oh girl, I'm sorry for everything you've had to endure. I admire you for writing this and getting your feelings out there.

Stephanie said...

Oh, Honey! I'm so sorry you had to survive that.

But, truthfully, I wish teenage girls and young college-age girls everywhere could read your words. You have some valuable lessons in there. I think you could really help so many girls that age.

Shauna said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you've moved on. Sometimes it's the crappiest things that we go through that make us who we are. It just sucks to have to go through something like that.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

What a sad story! It sounds like this guy was not worth your time anyway!

I am glad you are in a better place now. You are very brave to share this!

Oh, The Joys said...

I can relate to this more than you know.

Momish said...

Oh sweetie, how young you were and all that heartache is just not right. It is good to hear you able to talk about such a hard experience with a voice full of strength and clarity.

mommiebear2 said...

Thanks for all of yall's kind words, it was hell for me at the time and I thought I'd never "recover" - but with everything else, it has made me a better person. :)

Jenny said...

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Your story is amazing and terrible. You inspire me that you were strong enough to recover from that. You're my hero.

yerdoingitwrong said...

wow, girl. I also can relate to some of this. I'm so sorry. It's hard to recover from some of that. Those past demons die hard. =(

AND you are right. Us women may forgive, but we don't forget. We have memories like elephants...!!!


C said...

I was directed to your story from Jenny's (Mama Drama) "Naked Blogging" post. This was a very brave thing for you to write and my heart goes out to you. But I must say that you sound nothing like a psycho ex-girlfriend-- you never maimed the man. I don't know if I could have been that gracious in your situation.

Karmyn R said...

This makes me so sad - knowing there are so many women out there who are treated like this by the men in their lives, that they trusted and loved.

I'm glad you are in a good place now.