Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Past.

My mom used to go out a lot when I was a kid.  From the age of birth until around 6 or 7 my parents were together but then my Mom decided she didn't want to be married or have and kids anymore so she just up and left my Dad.  My Dad was a single parent and was wonderful at it until my grandmother passed away.  My mom came back for the funeral and from what I was told later on, asked for money and when everyone told her no, out of spite she took me with her when she went back to GA.  I was 9.

I missed my family but I had missed my Mom too and was happy to be with her, at first.  I thought how cool it was going to be being the only child.  She lived with a friend in a house that was surrounded with woods.  I slept on the couch in the livingroom with the stereo playing George Michael on low.  It was still summer time and I don't remember much other than playing outside in the trees and pretending, pretending, pretending all day long.  School was about to start and I got poison oak.  First time ever and I was miserable.  I remember begging my Mom to let me go to school and trying to cover up the blotches with concealer becuase I wanted to make friends.

That was the year I met Vashti at the cute school of Hickory Hills.  She was the bff I mentioned in the post about Bryan and Drew.  The kids made fun of her because she was heavier and had bright red hair and freckles.  I knew right away we would become fast friends and when we moved to our own apartment/townhouse, it turned out she lived there too!  The funny thing is that Bryan actually went to that school at the same time I did, we just never met.

I didn't stay at the school long becuase my Mother was a huge fan of Catholic private schools.  I had been attending one back when my parents were still together off and on.  She enrolled me in St. Josephs where I had to start all over with new friends and wear uniforms.  We went to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and for the most part, everything was ok.  She would have her moments where her temper would flare and she would scream or hit or slap but I was used to it.  To be honest, I loved and feared my Mother.  She was so beautiful and people loved her but they didn't see the bruises she would leave on me.  She usually left them in places where clothes hid them.  I remember looking at them sometimes when I would get out of the shower.

She went out a lot.  She liked to drink and she liked to dance and the men adored her.  I don't recall her having one night stands but if she did, they must have left before I got up.  Sometimes I stayed up late too though because I could.  Noone was there to tell me otherwise.  I would watch tv and read or write stories.  Some mornings she was too hungover to go to work so we would just stay home.  Sometimes I didn't want to go to school so she would just let me stay home.  It got to where it seemed like I missed more school than I actually attended.  They would have days where you got to where your normal clothes and she would be dropping my ass off in the morning in my uniform because we didn't know having not been there the day before.  Those were embarrasing days.  My grades were struggling and some times I would be there but so tired because Mom would have kept me up the night before.

Sometimes she would come home drunk and have me drive her to Krystals so she could get fast food.  Yes, me drive.  Sometimes she would wake me in the night because she decided to vacumme at 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning, including in my room and under my bed.  Looking back now, I am sure she was probably high on something.

In the townhouse I remember her banging the back of my head against the wall but I don't recall why.  She slapped me in my face a lot.  She threw things at me.  I don't recall ever having much food in the house.  I ate a lot over at my friends house Vasti because her Mom was also pretty heavy so they always had lots of good things to eat.  I tried to spend as much time as I could over there.  I know when my Mom called and told me to come home and her voice had that tone, I knew it meant I was going to get beat.  I would cry, beg and please my friend's mom not to send me home but she always did.  A few years ago I asked her about that and she told me that honestly, she was scared of my Mother.

The times were not always bad.  She took Vashti and I to the roller rink almost every weekend and dropped us off.  Technically she was using it as a babysitter but we had fun.  She had many romantic boyfriends that were nice to me and took Vashti and I along on some outings.  She had one serious boyfriend who had a lakehouse so that was a fun summer.  I remember her giving me money so I could attend the circus with my school.  She showed her love by buying me things or taking me places.  But her violence towards me and the horrible things she said had changed me.  I was still an innocent child in a lot of ways but she took a lot of that away too.  When my Grandfather and Aunt would call to check on me or talk to me on my birthday I wanted to tell them so badly but she had already threatened me should I utter a peep.  I didn't stay quiet forever though. 

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