Last year in September or October I became sick with a cold. I couldn't breathe, I hacked up a lung, and I sneezed all the time. Both of my ears were clogged so everyone and everything sounded like I was at the bottom of a well. I ended up going to the doctor but she said I had your average cold and I would just have to deal with it until it was gone. My own nose started waking me up at night when I would try to sleep because it would make noises. I started trying to sleep sitting up in the livingroom in the lazy boy chair but everytime I would doze off, my nose would start whistling or crackle and my eyes would pop open. As bedtime rolled around, I would walk to the bedroom, look at my bed and think, and so we meet again. I started having anxiety attacks. I would try to lay down and then start to freak, feeling like I was drowning, jump up and pace the hallways.
After 5 or 6 days of staying up all night, being a zombie and a crying mess at work and home, I tried natural remedies. I tried everything people would suggest and nothing was working for me. I would stand in the shower getting ready for work, crying and literally wanting to die because I felt so bad. I felt like a shell of my normal self. So I went back to the doctor and I told her what was happening and literally bawled my eyes out sitting there on the table. I was a mess. She prescribed me the lowest dosage of Xanax and told me to take 1 before going to bed if I started to feel anxious. I tried it but usually had to take 2 and I fought it like crazy. Usually when I did fall asleep, when my alarm would go off I felt all groggy, like I needed to sleep at least another 10-12 hours.
I went back when those ran out because even though my cold was starting to go away, the anxiety wasn't. I saw a different doctor this time and he gave me a refill but suggested I might take something to prevent the anxiety instead of what I was doing now which was after the fact. I went back a few days later because I hated the way I felt in the mornings and was getting really good at fighting the Xanax. My anxiety had bled over into the day time too. One time, I almost couldn't drive my own kids to school because when I got in the car, I couldn't breathe and felt like my own car was closing in on me. I had another panic attack when I was at work and could barely sit at my desk. I finally went back to the doctor and saw the original one I had seen the first time. I told her what was going on and what the other doctor had suggested and she agreed.
That is how Celexa came into my life. I am on the lowest dosage and it has really made such a huge difference in my life. Honestly, it has fixed things I didn't even know were broke. Like my constant need to relive the past. Why? Nothing I can do about it now but yet given the chance, I would bring it up. I am talking like childhood stuff. Crying. I used to get frustrated at work and I would cry. I don't do that anymore. Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't turned me into a robot. I still cry like everyone else but not at a drop of a hat. I also don't stress so much. If I am running late, oh well. I don't lie awake at night worrying about things that I don't have any control over. Are there side effects? Yes. Gaining weight was one I heard about but thank God I didn't have that issue. It did kill my desire to have sex. Bryan of course doesn't much care for that and I do miss it sometimes but it's hard to explain because honestly, I didn't even realize it was gone at first. Oh and the dreams! They are like watching a movie and usually even when you wake up, they start right back up again once you fall back asleep. Awesome when it is a great dream but awful when it is a nightmare. They are SO vivid and you remember them for days.
Now this is not a post to persuade you to get on antidepressants. As a matter of fact, I was embarrased at first that I needed "help" to be me. I talked to my Aunt about it and she said I was strong on my own for a very long time, just so happens I need a little help right now. Will I always be on it? I don't know but the fact that such a small dosage helps, that makes me happy. And in the end, that's all I want to be anyway.
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