Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Whatever Works For You.....

Last year in September or October I became sick with a cold.  I couldn't breathe, I hacked up a lung, and I sneezed all the time.  Both of my ears were clogged so everyone and everything sounded like I was at the bottom of a well.  I ended up going to the doctor but she said I had your average cold and I would just have to deal with it until it was gone.  My own nose started waking me up at night when I would try to sleep because it would make noises.  I started trying to sleep sitting up in the livingroom in the lazy boy chair but everytime I would doze off, my nose would start whistling or crackle and my eyes would pop open.  As bedtime rolled around, I would walk to the bedroom, look at my bed and think, and so we meet again.  I started having anxiety attacks.  I would try to lay down and then start to freak, feeling like I was drowning, jump up and pace the hallways.

After 5 or 6 days of staying up all night, being a zombie and a crying mess at work and home, I tried natural remedies.  I tried everything people would suggest and nothing was working for me.  I would stand in the shower getting ready for work, crying and literally wanting to die because I felt so bad.  I felt like a shell of my normal self. So I went back to the doctor and I told her what was happening and literally bawled my eyes out sitting there on the table.  I was a mess.  She prescribed me the lowest dosage of Xanax and told me to take 1 before going to bed if I started to feel anxious.  I tried it but usually had to take 2 and I fought it like crazy.  Usually when I did fall asleep, when my alarm would go off I felt all groggy, like I needed to sleep at least another 10-12 hours.

I went back when those ran out because even though my cold was starting to go away, the anxiety wasn't.  I saw a different doctor this time and he gave me a refill but suggested I might take something to prevent the anxiety instead of what I was doing now which was after the fact.  I went back a few days later because I hated the way I felt in the mornings and was getting really good at fighting the Xanax.  My anxiety had bled over into the day time too.  One time, I almost couldn't drive my own kids to school because when I got in the car, I couldn't breathe and felt like my own car was closing in on me.  I had another panic attack when I was at work and could barely sit at my desk.  I finally went back to the doctor and saw the original one I had seen the first time.  I told her what was going on and what the other doctor had suggested and she agreed.

That is how Celexa came into my life.  I am on the lowest dosage and it has really made such a huge difference in my life.  Honestly, it has fixed things I didn't even know were broke.  Like my constant need to relive the past.  Why?  Nothing I can do about it now but yet given the chance, I would bring it up.  I am talking like childhood stuff.  Crying.  I used to get frustrated at work and I would cry.  I don't do that anymore.  Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't turned me into a robot.  I still cry like everyone else but not at a drop of a hat.  I also don't stress so much.  If I am running late, oh well.  I don't lie awake at night worrying about things that I don't have any control over.  Are there side effects?  Yes.  Gaining weight was one I heard about but thank God I didn't have that issue.  It did kill my desire to have sex.  Bryan of course doesn't much care for that and I do miss it sometimes but it's hard to explain because honestly, I didn't even realize it was gone at first.  Oh and the dreams!  They are like watching a movie and usually even when you wake up, they start right back up again once you fall back asleep.  Awesome when it is a great dream but awful when it is a nightmare.  They are SO vivid and you remember them for days.

Now this is not a post to persuade you to get on antidepressants.  As a matter of fact, I was embarrased at first that I needed "help" to be me.  I talked to my Aunt about it and she said I was strong on my own for a very long time, just so happens I need a little help right now.  Will I always be on it?  I don't know but the fact that such a small dosage helps, that makes me happy.  And in the end, that's all I want to be anyway. 

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